I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Couch. On fire.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
