just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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