FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
