i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
