i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
