My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize