Can i not drive my cunt home
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
