life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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