she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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