I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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