I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
