I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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