i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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