Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
