I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
