mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
