I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
