In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
