I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
jump out the window naked night went bad
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