are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
