Where is the hickey?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
