i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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