I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my liver is dry heaving
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
