Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
