So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
