Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
