wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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