he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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