I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
