Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
