the condom got lost in my hair
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
