The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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