so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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