I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
