i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
