so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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