I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
