I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
