I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
