you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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