He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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