We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
