My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
did you just send me my own nude
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
