david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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