well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
