Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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