I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
