And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
