HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
