I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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