There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
