So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize