you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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