Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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