when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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