my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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