k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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