you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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