Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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