in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
