it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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