Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
