I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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