Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
