Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
