I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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