i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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